No one experiences more loss than the children after divorce or separation. “This truth is difficult for most adults to recognize because they are consumed with their losses. It is human nature to notice our wounds more than someone else’s” (pg. 242). Children (even teenagers) are still maturing and learning coping skills and, therefore, need more help processing their grief than adults (Deal, 2002).

Separation and divorce mean that the children lose control of their lives and contact with their parents, grandparents, and siblings and lose continuity of life regarding their living arrangements and routines. Life in a single-parent family and stepfamily is full of transitions and change. Here are just a few that bring loss to the children: 

- Not wanting parents to divorce (even if they know it is for the better due to conflict etc.)

- Not wanting residences to change or move between homes

        - A new stepparent or siblings they did not ask for 

        - Death of the dream of parental reconciliation

- Having to share a room with a sibling or step-sibling or no space of their own

- Loss of role in the family when new people are in the household or households change.

- Loss of familiarity with the school, teachers, neighborhood, friends, activities, and traditions

- Financial pressures/changes 

- Change in quality of living

- Changes in rules and expectations 

- Loss of closeness and time with biological parents (without step-family)

The most challenging thing children experience is losing time with their biological parents. Even worse, they have to share their parent with a new partner and the new partner’s children and family. It can bring about competition and insecurity for the children, especially if the parents and stepparents do not understand and interpret the child’s behaviors as threatening. The stepparents and parents often describe the children as jealous or manipulative. In all actuality, they are hurting on the inside. “These children have experienced a great deal of loss in the past, which makes them scared of more hurt” (pg 244). As a result, many children fear losing their biological parents to the new family.

Fear is the by-product of loss, and anger is the by-product of fear.What can we do? Here are some helpful stepping stones:

Humility, Listening, and Understanding: Humble ourselves as adults and listen to understand one another. Humbly reflect inward and seek understanding about the complex dynamics of stepfamilies and the hurts of divorce. If families are not open to hearing one another, how can they love and honor one another and gain insight into a family member’s feelings, desires, needs, and goals? (The Smart Stepfamily, Deal, 2002). Understanding is the ability to see or empathize with someone else’s point of view, perspective, and experiences.

Perseverance and Commitment: Perseverance can carry family members through the tough and challenging times of change in all families. “Determination, combined with the decision to persevere, results in a strong commitment to building your family/stepfamily” (Deal, 2002, pg 79).

Patience: Patience is essential, as grieving and blending are slow processes. There are many wounds from divorce. James Bray discovered that stepfamilies begin to think or act like a family at the end of the 2nd or 3rd year. So have patience with one another, and do not give up.

Flexibility: Flexibility is helpful for all family members and allows space and grace. “The rituals, expectations, and assumptions our society trains us to have about family life become our square pegs that, when forced into the round stepfamily hole, just do not fit.” (Deal, 2002, pg 85)

Lastly, Humor: Learning to laugh at ourselves and our circumstances is not about denying problems or responsibilities and can be good medicine in the middle of chaotic or difficult moments (Deal, 2002).

The Smart Step Family by Ron Deal is an excellent resource for tips and learning about stepfamilies. An experienced therapist can also help navigate these complex dynamics of loss and new beginnings. 

by Kara Watson-Cuellar