The aftermath of an argument or fight with your loved one can leave you a place of sadness and even despair. You want to reconcile and move on but don’t know where to start and what to say to begin the reconciliation process. The first thing you can do is to apologize, which means expressing regret for something you said and did. This involves a few critical steps. 

When you apologize: 

1. Reflect on your behavior: Consider how you believed about the person and what you said and did that contributed to the conflict/issue, suspending your reasoning for the behavior. “What was my role in this?”
2. Take Responsibility: Say “I’m sorry” clearly and sincerely without justifying your behavior by saying why you did it.“I’m sorry that I used unkind words and tone of voice. That was rude; I did wrong.”
3. Listen with Empathy and Make Changes: Give the other person an opportunity to respond without interruption. Then, discuss the changes you will make to prevent the same pattern of interaction from happening again. 
4. Forgive Yourself

When being apologized:

1. Acknowledge your feelings (ex., anger, disappointment, disrespect)
2. Assertively express your expectations and boundaries with the problem in the future. 
3. Let go of your right to vengeance, retribution, and negative thoughts toward the person who did wrong to you.
4. Communicate your forgiveness and work toward reconciliation.

Forgiveness can be a long process. A sincere apology can accelerate it, helping to build a more secure base and safety in repairing the hurt and damaged relationship. 

By JoonAh Nesbitt

MA, LCMHCA