Attachment theory, developed by John Bowlby (1907-1990), is about how one emotionally bonds with another person. Attachment style has two big categories: securely attached or insecurely attached. For example, if you are insecurely attached to avoidance, you might avoid intimate relational and emotional relationships with someone because of your fear of being unwanted. You might not want to ask for help from other people or express your needs for affection from the other person, so try to take care of all these needs and longings independently. Or you might find faults with someone you thought you liked and be disappointed in them quickly, leading you to break up, leaving you feeling alone and empty inside–” Alone again!” You can become securely attached by increasing your self-awareness by following the steps

1. Family of origin work: Our attachment style now is mostly based on our bonding experiences with our primary caregivers as infants or children. Knowing what happened then may help you increase your awareness of your emotional bonding style. 

2. Knowing yourself: you must have an idea of yourself that motivates you to behave the way you do now in your relationship. Make an internal shift and know your self-worth.

3. Surrogate attachment figure: To earn a secure attachment, you need to observe, interact, experience, and learn from the relationship. This healthier attachment figure can be a mentor, teacher, or friend.

4. Imparting what you have achieved: Reach out and pass on what you know, learn, and become.

Change doesn’t happen overnight. Be patient and mindful of who you are now. Be committed to intentional changes and how you can be changed with time without losing self-worth or beating yourself up in the process.

By JoonAh Nesbitt

MA, LCMHCA