Processing Hurtful Incidents 

Well, that happened in the past—a long time ago. I wish I could just move on, but why can’t I? You may have experienced feeling stuck when negative emotions from old hurts lurk in your marriage and create tension in your relationship with your loved one. Processing is to talk about the incident with some established procedure, which helps you better understand each other’s reality and perception of that incident. Processing enables you and your partner to revisit where the emotional injury occurred, look at it from a different perspective, and discover the true meaning of the incident for both of you. This often leads you to a greater understanding of your partner and yourself.       

5 Steps in Processing the Incident

1. Share how you felt. Don’t say why you felt that way or comment on your partner’s feelings, such as, “You shouldn’t feel that way because….”
2. Describe your reality. Summarize and validate your partner’s experience. 
3. Share your experiences or memories that might have contributed to an escalation in your negative interactions with each other. 
4. Acknowledge the part that you played in the hurtful incident.
5. Share and ask what one thing your partner can do differently to avoid such incidents. 

Living with tension from unresolved conflicts can quickly wear us down inside. How we process these incidents, and their emotions may bring freedom and help us move on to better relationship patterns. If this is your story, visit Bareitercc.com to learn more, or call 704-334-0524 to make an appointment today. 

Reference

Gottman, J., & J. (2016). Gottman method couples therapy. Seattle, WA: The Gottman Institute.

By JoonAh Nesbitt