Communication is often one of the main goals couples bring into counseling. In relationships, it is critical to communicate needs with one another to maintain a healthier connection, yet so often, this somewhat simple concept is much more challenging to put into practice, especially when the content of the conversation is only a piece of the interaction. When emotions are high, messages can be lost in translation, needs are communicated as threats, and partners may begin to feel misunderstood and stuck. Couples send signals or cues to one another in every interaction that indicates a level of emotional safety- this goes far beyond what is verbally communicated. For example, a partner can feel the warmth and love of the other in their smile, a warm hug, or an accepting tone.

On the other hand, one partner may feel anxious when they hear the other’s tone get louder, or the other become frustrated when their partner starts getting short. Sometimes even a particular look of anger can signal danger to the other partner. Society has even gone as far as to incorporate these signals into digital messages. For example, one can interpret their partner’s tone by using punctuation, or capital letters can be understood as upping the intensity. Cues are saturated in our communication yet often go unidentified when they affect us significantly. Here are a few ways to grow awareness of cues in your relationship:



1. Identify three cues that draw you closer to your partner 
2. Identify three cues that signal danger from your partner
3. Share these cues with your partner and how they affect you.

Ex: When you smiled at me when I walked through the door, I felt loved. 

Ex: When you go silent in arguments, I feel alone. 

When we begin to label and share the cues that have been sending signals all along, we start building understanding and fostering connection. 

Hannah Tomlinson